Scooping up vagina with the click of a mouse on Craigslist isn't the way a natural born romantic like Malik wants to woo the lady of his wet dreams to snuggle with him on the top bunk in his mom's guest room/office/craft station. Malik prefers to do it the old-fashioned way so he has posted several hand-written personal ads on telephone booths around the city. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is how Romeo met Juliet.

Malik might be filled with a brand of delusion you thought only existed in a Lohan, but he knows how to write a personal ad. Malik's personal ad makes Harry Potter seems like something that exists in real reality. When Malik's kindergarten teacher told him to "dare to dream", he took that shit a little too far.

Basically, Malik is looking for a 21-45-year-old white or Hispanic female (NO SHE-MALES!!!!) with red or blonde hair (NO BROWNHAIREDS!!!) who has big tits (NO FATS!!!!) and is a total slut (NO HOOKERS!!!). She must also be a non-smoker who goes dutch (NO GOLD DIGGERS!!!) and regularly wears daisy dukes with 6-inch spiked heels (NO SHE-MALE HOOKERS!!). Malik is hoping to find all of this in a classy lady who stops and reads personal ads on a damn telephone booth!

If you're a 22-year-old Hispanic slut with red hair who thinks she has finally found her Prince Charming, think again. Malik is only looking for fuck times and isn't ready for anything serious.

I'm not going to add anything else, because Malik has it covered and you should really spend time reading his entire ad. And in case you haven't already noticed, MALIK IS WEARING A FANNY PACK! A fanny pack that matches his outfit! Yeah, so don't act like you're not dialing 9-1-7-6-5.... right now.